Shortly after I moved to the South, there was a spider in my kitchen. This was no ordinary spider. Just as roaches in the South are ginormous, this was a SPIDER. A nightmare spider. As big as a dragon. It had KNEES. It was grey and fuzzy and out of the corner of my eye I thought it was a mouse. I should be so lucky. My kitchen had one exit - only one way out unless I wanted to break a window. Which was an option.
It was also faster than one would think. No sleepy Southern spiders here. I grabbed the only thing I had handy, given my state of panic. Tilex. This is bleach in a spray bottle. I essentially drowned the spider in bleach and it curled up. With my foe vanquished and not looking quite so massive and spider-y, I gingerly leaped over it to get to the rest of the house and a broom.
When I returned, it was moving - MOVING I say! After being drowned in bleach!
My memory is hazy at this point - I may have been in a fugue state. I think there was more bleach and possibly a saucepan involved, but I knew I could not let is get where it was heading, which was either in my pantry or under the refrigerator. Knowing there was a live nightmare dragon spider in my kitchen would result in my starving to death.
When I came to, it was curled up even tighter, but I didn't trust it anymore to stay dead. I threw some paper towels over it, and finally shielded from seeing it, I stepped on it. Then I left it there for my husband to clean up. He'd be home in less than two weeks.
When he got there, I told him there were two things I did NOT want to hear. #1 - this little thing? (It was HUGE in life. It had KNEES. After two weeks of desiccation, who knows.) #2 - Where is it?
This whole story came to mind a few moments ago. I was heading outside to assess my backyard and pick up sticks in preparation for mowing down the Florida version of a dandelion. No idea yet what that weed is called, but it grows tall and fast and has a teeny yellow flower. Anyway, I was going to head out through the patio, and opened the door to step out, and there was a black nightmare dragon monster spider. It appears dead, but they play 'possom here. I retreated, realizing that my weeds are not really all that bad. I have a guest coming Friday, so I may need to deal with it if it is really dead and does not go away. My husband is a couple of weeks from home, so that plan won't work. On the other hand, my boss is dropping off a coffee table sometime this week, so perhaps I can have him dispose of the body.
We don't have spiders like that up North. Really, we don't. The only benefit of giant spiders in the South is it allows me to entertain others with my utter panic.
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